Eulogy for Michael Bernstein, my buddy

Wednesday July 2, 2025
Central Synagogue
New York, NY

GREETINGS

Daph, Allie, Theo, Jana, Seth, Marsha..… Family and friends.

Mike asked me to share a bit about who he was when he was younger.  

I met Mike our first semester in college.  

It was 1992.  We were 18 years old.  

FRESHMAN YEAR

Mike was quiet and curious. Introspective and interested in others.  

I was chaotic, emotional, and self-absorbed.  I’d never met anyone like Mike.  I wasn’t sure how to process such a chill signal to noise ratio.

Mike played the keyboard.  I played the drums.  Within three months, Mike and I were in a band.  Our name was Captain Corduroy… because…well…we had more grooves than Corduroy.  

Mike was a religion major and we didn’t share many classes.  But we both took music theory.  Mike left me in the dust when he transcribed Coltrane’s Giant Steps solo for his final project.  

Mike worked for campus safety – The Garnet Patrol – his job was to wear a cool maroon windbreaker and carry a walkie talkie… escorting students to their destinations…. But mostly he canvassed the grounds and reported back on cool parties.

SOPHOMORE YEAR  

Sophomore year we were roommates.  A group of seven.  Me, Mike, Tom, Jack, Caleb, Max and Will.  

Mike introduced me to The Beastie Boys “Pauls Boutique”.   He made a valiant effort to get me to like the band Phish.  He taught me about Fake Books, and gave me a lifelong joy of noodling on the piano.

Mike introduced me to Bukowski, Karouac, Hunter Thompson, and William Burroughs. 

Junior year, we meditated with Allen Ginsburg.

Mike participated in our social adventures but maintained significantly better grades.  One day I was looking for a spare washing machine, and in an obscure back room basement… I found Mike studying.  What are you doing all the way down here, man?  “I’m hiding from you guys.” Mike replied.

DAPHNA

I remember Mike’s first date with Daphna.  They camped out talking and listening to music for hours in Jack and Caleb’s room, and we showed them a remarkable amount of restraint by not bothering them incessantly… 

Daphna was a senior and we were intimidated by Mike scoring such a cool and mysterious date…  

Since Mike was 19 years old…Daph has been a gift of comfort, love, and stability. 

GYM

We would occasionally go to the gym.  Mike would casually military press 150 pounds over his head and he could bench press double plates. 225.  Try it sometime.  I don’t think he’d ever worked out before.

SALT

One of Mike’s talents was spinning salt shakers on the table with his middle fingers.  Two at a time in hypnotic circles.  If you pull off two salt shakers, I cannot make any promises, but Mike might just suddenly appear beside you. 

THOUGHTS

Mike was a main character.  In the traditional sense of adventures and making memories, but more so in the depth and meaning he brought to our lives.  Someone you don’t want to say goodbye to at the end of the story. 

When you told Mike a story, he’d look you in the eyes.  He’d always reward your punch line…  

My favorite Mike quip was “Oh Come on!” …incredulous, dismissive, shocked, amused, and appalled, all rolled into one…  

Mike was soft and kind and gentle.   He had a strong moral compass.  

Mike was always quietly braver than me.

ENDING

My dad had a cancer journey similar to Mike’s.  Mike knew this.  Three years ago, the day after my dad died, Mike called me. He asked me to go with him into the deep end of the pool and laugh in the darkness during the years ahead.  To be his rodeo clown.   

I’ve never laughed as hard as I have with Mike these last three years. He reached out at one of the lowest moments of my life and became a living guardian angel.

He may have been the patient, but he took more care of me than I took of him.   

KIDS

Allie and Theo, I hope that you find someone as amazing as your dad to be your friend. 

Mike made an effort to show the kids that it’s OK to be vulnerable and share emotions.  He dug into every crevice of his persona to give you the things you’ll need for the years ahead.  Hold him in your heart, and he’ll be there to guide you.

CLOSING

If we can find stillness… or better yet if we’re ever looking for stillness… we’ll find Mike in our heart.  What better friend to guide us, love us, and give us peace…  

Lost
by David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.